Jim Maijala's Phunk Phiction -- "Roadkill" in Vegas -- A Star Trek Perspective

From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Sun, 30 Aug 1998 18:27:49 -0700
Subject: re: what really happened in Vegas

To: Chief of Starfleet Intelligence
From: Lt. James Maijala
Re: Operational report on Vegas meeting Stardate 083098.4

What follows is a comprehensive and FACTUAL account of a gathering of operatives on planet Vegas of the Omicron Alliance of Roadkill.

The meeting took place in an out-of-the-way place as you might expect. The Vegan teleporter doesn't get too many requests for transport to a place called the "Texas." I had to palm over a couple of bars of gold-pressed ladinum to complete the transaction. It was only after I had paid the man that I found out there could be less costly ways of travel.

Upon arrival at the Texas I reconned the area ... It was a place where many people had gathered to sit in front of colorfull machines that clinked and clattered in a strange rythum that was somehow compelling me to join, but I was able to maintain mission awareness. I shortly encountered a sentry, Mike Adair, who checked my credentials. I must complement our security section, the phoney T-shirt was not detected! Adair directed me to an area where a great holy man of the Obsidian order was holding a medatation session. The holy man turned out to be Bill Parrette, known to us as the dreaded Monk-O-Funk. Remind the records section to update Parrette's file, he wasn't eliminated as a result of the "Goat Incident" as we originally thought (thanks Tom!).

Maintaining my cover, I joined with the Monk group and shortly after proceeded to the meeting hall. It was a dark place with two strangly clad individuals. While their arrainment was similar to mine they had somehow colored the fabric of their shirts! We must program this into our replecators. In short order, the meeting hall was full of agents. I even recognized agent 47, he almost blew my cover! I refered to him after that as "Randy." "Randy" was having a good time, maybe too good of a time.

About this time I met up with a man who had been looking for me, his name is Funkster. We need to start a file on Funkster. It seems he knows all about the aforementioned "Goat Incident." There may be a leak somewhere, I suggest you put Commander Lisuk in charge of the investigation. Speaking of Commander Lisuk, here is an operative with all the wherewithall to move up to captain soon.

There was an alien there who I had not encountered before. His code name was Rob Garrett. I believe he was trying to signal others with a strange mark on his head. It looked alot like a pointing finger, possibly a birth mark? He said he was from a place called "Texas" ... this confused me since I thought we were at "Texas." Further analysis of this is neccesary. I believe that Mr. Garrett may, in fact, be a surgically altered Klingon!!! He certainly has the size.

Now onto something incredible, I believe our deep cover operative, Al Wightman, may have been replaced by an android. You see, the Al I saw was talking, yes, that's right, talking. An investigation should be launched immediately. I believe that Al's counterpart, Donna, should look into this at once. She may have been duped!

I must tell you this gathering had agents from all over the quadrant, from as far away as a place called Long Island and an obscure area known only as Delaware. I report that this is the first contact with any species from Delaware. I thought Delaware was only a myth ...

It was about this time that a new life form was detected on my interdermal tricorder. The molecular auditory warning system alerted me to this life form. I can now finally confirm that the rumors are true, the rock and roll band (an ancient form of music) Grand Funk Railroad, did not dissapear into the "Landry Mississippi Nebula" as has been taught to our children for centuries. They were, in actuality, kidnapped by members of the "Catalano Mob." The Catalano syndicate were represented by Phil "The Jackel" and Mick "Pringles" Catalano. Phil and Mick along with the original three members of the band where placed into stasis and keep "On Ice" all these years.

In short order, Mark, Don and Mel, along with a strange being known by the designation, Howard, were being honored. I snapped some images on my retina imaging device. I will forward these to your location. Somewhere in "Texas" they managed to replicate a birthday cake. I attempted to save some of the cake as evidence but failed!

Later, it seemed, that Grand Funk was presented with some kind of honor. The operatives all particapated in some ancient pagan ritual involving the clapping of hands. I believe it's called applause. Mark, Don and Mel were suitably stunned by the outpouring of gifts and applause. It was then that I saw something that will give this report true meaning. I saw unmistakable signs that Mark Farner is a ... ROMULAN!

I know this is shocking but I know it's true. As he was accepting his gifts he gave the unmistakable Romulan Centurian salute. He placed his fist upon his heart and then extended his arm out and to the side. Many people mistake this for an ancient Terran Native Sign Symbol, but there can be no mistake.

After this we all went to a hot area where Grand Funk was going to perform. Even after stasis they are an unbeatable combination. I must tell you that my positronic ear has suffered an overload and all I now hear is a buzzing sound. I will have to visit the shop of Gary Rector to have it repaired. Please make an appointment for me with Professor Rector, advise me of the timing.

At the end of the concert Farner once again gave the Romulan signal. Was he trying to contact other Romulan operatives in the gathering? We may have a security problem. I will return to starbase 12 as soon as the buzzing stops in my ear. Farner's guitar was really, really loud.

Lt. James Maijala
Keeping the dream alive into the next millennium ...

The Grand Funk Railroad Web

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