Jim Maijala's Phunk Phiction -- In the Alley -- The Beatles, "Roadkill," and Alan Jackson


From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 11:35:03 -0500
Subject: Re: The saga of the 'Too Dark' Video. Rated R

... Over at a nearby trash can, three guys are warming their hands from the flames arising from can; while the fourth member of their little band just stares off into space ...

Paul:
Hey Ringo, do you see those three guys over there?
Ringo:
What three guys? ... Oh, you mean those blokes? (pointing)
Paul:
You're darn right. Were'nt they "Great Freight Railway?"
George:
I'm not sure that's the right name. What do you think Johnny? ... Johnny? (Johnny doesn't have anything to say.)
Ringo:
Now don't start that crap again, John! Ever since you faked your death in 1980 you haven't said anything.
John:
BBBBUUUUURRRRPPPP!!!!
Paul:
Hummph. The most intelligent thing he's said in 17 years. But what is the name of those guys?
George:
I've remember now! They were "Donny and the Fuzz Tones."
John:
PPPPHHHHHAAAAARRRTTTTTTT!
Ringo:
No comments from the Peanut Gallery please! (looks at the ground) Hey you guys, look at this. Here is an article from "Circus" magazine. Man this must be really old. It has pictures of these guys. SWEET JESUS!! They're called "Grand Funk Railroad" and they sold out Shea Stadium faster than we did!! Oh, and John?, you really should take a bath.
Paul:
There is no way that any band could sell out Shea Stadium faster than us, is there?
George:
NO WAY!! (George punches John on the shoulder for added emphasis.)
John:
CCCRAAACCKKK ... TTTHHUUDD. (John's arm falls off and hits the ground, but he doesn't seem to mind, ... odd.)
Ringo:
George, pick that up!! You idiot!!

From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 1997 22:38:24 -0500
Subject: Re: Can You Do It

Within eye and ear shot of GFR and The Beatles warming their hands over yesterday's burning newspaper, four members of a certain fan club are also trying to stay warm while sitting on a doorstep ...

Phil:
Hey Jeff, was this YOUR idea to sit out here and try to get autographs from these old guys?
Jeff:
Autographs nothin'! I'm here so they can hear my new song!
Bill:
New song? I didn't know that you had a new song? What's it called?
Jim:
WAIT I know! ... it's called "I'm a Total Loser."
Jeff:
Nice try Idiot. Why don't you just blow it out your ...
Phil:
(interupting) Now guys, can't we all just get along? (sob, sob)
Bill:
Let's take the song over to Mark, Don, and Mel and see what they think.
(They all walk over to GFR's burning trash can.)
Mark:
This trash can only has enough room for three!! Beat it, low lifes!
Mel:
Hee hee. Cool!
Don:
Hey aren't you guys from the Roadkill fan club?
Mark:
Roadkill?, Roadkill? All right! I'm kinda hungry, we can roast it right over the can.
Mel:
BBBUUURRRPPP!!
Bill:
No Mark, you don't understand, we have a song for you to hear.
Jim:
I'm with Mel.
Jeff:
Jim, you're really starting to get on my nerves.
Phil:
Don, do you remember me? I'm Phil, you know, the guy who you mentioned on the Bosnia CD?
Don:
Don't break your arm patting yourself on back, it was Mel's idea anyway.
Mel:
Cool.
Mark:
Hey I remember now!! You guys would come backstage after the show and meet us and talk and stuff right?
Jim:
That's right! And we would take pictures and stuff. Yes, we were quite ... er ... um ... Jeff, would you please stop going through Bill's wallet.
Bill:
HEY!! Gimme that!!
Jeff:
That's where I kept the lyrics for the song!!
Mel:
What song?
Mark:
HE SPEAKS!!!!!!!

From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 21:35:19 -0500
Subject: Re: Unsubscribe notice

On Thu, 19 Mar 1998 15:45:53 -0800 tom fagan writes:

> Hey Jim,
>
> I just found out I am # 35; Aren't you the lucky guy who got Don's
> stick at Vegas last summer??? You can have my number for that!!!
>
> Funkster tom

FT!,

Number 35 huh? I asked my wife if I could trade the stick for your spot. She told me, "You'll be out on the street." I wonder what that means?

After trading the stick for Tom's spot, Jim is kicked out of the house and is now huddled around that all too familiar burning trash can in a back alley with our favorite band ...

Jim:
Hey guys, it's getting kind of cold around here. (Jim's warming his hands over the fire.)
Mark:
That's no problem, Jim, I'll just get the butler to get you a coat.
Don:
Ha, Ha, that's a good one, shorty, a butler! What will you think of next?
Mel:
Bbbbeeeelllccchhhh!!!!
Mark:
Oh Mel! Cover your mouth when you do that. Have you been eating Itailian again? Anyway, we really do have a butler!
Don:
Oh yeah?. Well then, where is he?
Mark:
(Looking to his right) Alan, Alan Jackson can you bring Jim a coat please? (thanks Bill for the idea!)
Alan:
At your service, sir. (hands Jim a coat, taken off a dead guy,who looked remarkably like Garth Brooks!)
Jim:
ALAN! Didn't I see you in a video where you were water skiing in blue jeans and a muscle shirt?
Alan:
That's all in the past, Jim. I have found my true destiny being the butler to the greatest band in the land. By the way, why are we all in the alley? Don't we have a mansion somewhere?
Mel:
What's this "we" crap, Alan, do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Mark:
Be nice to the slav ... er ... I mean the hired help, Mel.
Don:
Now that you mention it, where is our mansion? We've sold millions of albums, sold out where ever we play, signed lucrative recording contracts.
Mel:
Remember huricane Hugo, string bean?
Don:
Hugo? wasn't he that guy who played the piano and a bathroom plunger?
Mark:
Huh?
Jim:
Alan, my toes are getting a little cool. Can you rub them for me?
Alan:
At your command, sire! (Starts rubbing Jim's toes. Suddenly, he starts turning a little green, and gasps for air. He chokes and falls unconscious to the ground. HE'S DEAD.)
Mark:
Ya know, it's just hard finding good help these days.
Mel:
FFFFAAAAARRRRTTTTT!!!!
Don:
Good one, Porkypine.

Jim's a good mans brother (with help from Jeanne's a good Jims wife). Whattaya mean "good Jim", asks Jeanne with an evil grin... patting the drum stick, menacingly in the palm of her reddened hand...


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