Jim Maijala's Phunk Phiction --
In the Alley -- The Beatles, "Roadkill," and Alan
Jackson
From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 11:35:03 -0500
Subject: Re: The saga of the 'Too Dark' Video.
Rated R
... Over at a nearby trash can, three guys are
warming their hands from the flames arising from can;
while the fourth member of their little band just
stares off into space ...
Paul:
Hey Ringo, do you see those three guys over
there?
Ringo:
What three guys? ... Oh, you mean those
blokes? (pointing)
Paul:
You're darn right. Were'nt they "Great Freight
Railway?"
George:
I'm not sure that's the right name. What do you
think Johnny? ... Johnny? (Johnny doesn't
have anything to say.)
Ringo:
Now don't start that crap again, John! Ever
since you faked your death in 1980 you haven't
said anything.
John:
BBBBUUUUURRRRPPPP!!!!
Paul:
Hummph. The most intelligent thing he's said
in 17 years. But what is the name of those
guys?
George:
I've remember now! They were "Donny and the
Fuzz Tones."
John:
PPPPHHHHHAAAAARRRTTTTTTT!
Ringo:
No comments from the Peanut Gallery please!
(looks at the ground) Hey you guys, look at
this. Here is an article from "Circus"
magazine. Man this must be really old. It
has pictures of these guys. SWEET JESUS!!
They're called "Grand Funk Railroad" and they
sold out Shea Stadium faster than we did!! Oh,
and John?, you really should take a bath.
Paul:
There is no way that any band could sell out
Shea Stadium faster than us, is there?
George:
NO WAY!! (George punches John on the shoulder
for added emphasis.)
John:
CCCRAAACCKKK ... TTTHHUUDD. (John's arm
falls off and hits the ground, but he doesn't
seem to mind, ... odd.)
Ringo:
George, pick that up!! You idiot!!
From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 1997 22:38:24 -0500
Subject: Re: Can You Do It
Within eye and ear shot of GFR and The Beatles warming
their hands over yesterday's burning newspaper, four
members of a certain fan club are also trying to stay
warm while sitting on a doorstep ...
Phil:
Hey Jeff, was this YOUR idea to sit out here
and try to get autographs from these old guys?
Jeff:
Autographs nothin'! I'm here so they can hear
my new song!
Bill:
New song? I didn't know that you had a new
song? What's it called?
Jim:
WAIT I know! ... it's called "I'm a Total
Loser."
Jeff:
Nice try Idiot. Why don't you just blow it out
your ...
Phil:
(interupting) Now guys, can't we all just get
along? (sob, sob)
Bill:
Let's take the song over to Mark, Don, and Mel
and see what they think.
(They all walk over to GFR's burning trash can.)
Mark:
This trash can only has enough room for three!!
Beat it, low lifes!
Mel:
Hee hee. Cool!
Don:
Hey aren't you guys from the Roadkill fan club?
Mark:
Roadkill?, Roadkill? All right! I'm kinda
hungry, we can roast it right over the can.
Mel:
BBBUUURRRPPP!!
Bill:
No Mark, you don't understand, we have a song
for you to hear.
Jim:
I'm with Mel.
Jeff:
Jim, you're really starting to get on my nerves.
Phil:
Don, do you remember me? I'm Phil, you know,
the guy who you mentioned on the Bosnia CD?
Don:
Don't break your arm patting yourself on back,
it was Mel's idea anyway.
Mel:
Cool.
Mark:
Hey I remember now!! You guys would come
backstage after the show and meet us and talk
and stuff right?
Jim:
That's right! And we would take pictures and
stuff. Yes, we were quite ... er ... um
... Jeff, would you please stop going
through Bill's wallet.
On Thu, 19 Mar 1998 15:45:53 -0800 tom fagan
writes:
> Hey Jim, > > I just found out I am # 35;
Aren't you the lucky guy who got Don's > stick
at Vegas last summer??? You can have my number for
that!!! > > Funkster tom
FT!,
Number 35 huh? I asked my wife if I could trade the
stick for your spot. She told me, "You'll be out on
the street." I wonder what that means?
After trading the stick for Tom's spot, Jim is kicked
out of the house and is now huddled around that all too
familiar burning trash can in a back alley with our
favorite band ...
Jim:
Hey guys, it's getting kind of cold around
here. (Jim's warming his hands over the fire.)
Mark:
That's no problem, Jim, I'll just get the
butler to get you a coat.
Don:
Ha, Ha, that's a good one, shorty, a butler!
What will you think of next?
Mel:
Bbbbeeeelllccchhhh!!!!
Mark:
Oh Mel! Cover your mouth when you do that.
Have you been eating Itailian again? Anyway,
we really do have a butler!
Don:
Oh yeah?. Well then, where is he?
Mark:
(Looking to his right) Alan, Alan Jackson can
you bring Jim a coat please? (thanks Bill for
the idea!)
Alan:
At your service, sir. (hands Jim a coat, taken
off a dead guy,who looked remarkably like Garth
Brooks!)
Jim:
ALAN! Didn't I see you in a video where you
were water skiing in blue jeans and a muscle
shirt?
Alan:
That's all in the past, Jim. I have found my
true destiny being the butler to the greatest
band in the land. By the way, why are we all
in the alley? Don't we have a mansion
somewhere?
Mel:
What's this "we" crap, Alan, do you have a
mouse in your pocket?
Mark:
Be nice to the slav ... er ... I mean the
hired help, Mel.
Don:
Now that you mention it, where is our mansion?
We've sold millions of albums, sold out where
ever we play, signed lucrative recording
contracts.
Mel:
Remember huricane Hugo, string bean?
Don:
Hugo? wasn't he that guy who played the piano
and a bathroom plunger?
Mark:
Huh?
Jim:
Alan, my toes are getting a little cool. Can
you rub them for me?
Alan:
At your command, sire! (Starts rubbing Jim's
toes. Suddenly, he starts turning a little
green, and gasps for air. He chokes and falls
unconscious to the ground. HE'S DEAD.)
Mark:
Ya know, it's just hard finding good help these
days.
Mel:
FFFFAAAAARRRRTTTTT!!!!
Don:
Good one, Porkypine.
Jim's a good mans brother (with help from Jeanne's a
good Jims wife). Whattaya mean "good Jim", asks Jeanne
with an evil grin... patting the drum stick,
menacingly in the palm of her reddened hand...
![[A picture of an up (or back) arrow]](GRAPHICS/back_arrow.gif){kind=icon}
![[A picture of a mailbox]](/GRAPHICS/mailbox.gif)
![[Logos for technologies used to build this site]](/GRAPHICS/AppleJavaLinux.jpg)