Jim Maijala's Phunk Phiction -- Drag Race


From: jmaijala@juno.com
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 09:47:21 -0500
Subject: re: Drag Race ... Chapter 1

After a little time off here is the first chapter in the latest installment of Phunk Phiction ... DRAG RACE ... Chapter 1 ...

"Stop hitting me in the back of the head," complained Mark as Don continued poking him with a drum stick.

"Will you guys just CAN IT," lectured Mel as he looked out the window of the Chevy Blazer at the long line of cars waiting to enter the gate of the Fire Lake Drag Park ... "Did either of you idiots remember the tickets?"

"OH SHIT," screamed Mark as be began searching his pockets. The shocked looks on Don and Mel's faces was exactly the reaction Mark was looking for as he laughed and pulled the tickets from the visor.

"Jerk," commented Don as he snatched the tickets from Mark as Mark continued to laugh. "I really had you guys going, you have to admit it ... come on ... admit it ... bow to my overwhelming mastery! ... HEY, stop that!", Mel was throwing pennies at him.

They reached the gate, finally, and gave the attendant the tickets. They continued to follow the line of traffic as people with flags directed them to parking areas. It looked like they had quite a hike ahead as they were unable to park anywhere close to the grandstands. The boys made a quick inventory of their equipment. Plenty of cash, sunscreen, and Don had his Nikon SLR camera with about a gazillion lenses ...

Mark looked at the camera and said, "Don, why don't you buy a camera made in the good old U.S.A.?"

"Well Mark, you pinhead, Kodak doesn't make any good cameras anymore and even their cheapo throw aways are made in sweatshops in third world countries by a populace enslaved by cowardly despots ... and besides, it's MY camera so you can just cram it, okay?"

"Geez, Don, okay! You don't have to get your panties in a wad or anything," said an exasperated Mark.

Mel just walked away from the other two. He was more interested in the upcoming NHRA contest about to be contested on the quarter mile strip of asphalt known as the Fire Lake Drag Park! The other two caught up with him and began giving him a dutch rub. Man, how he hated that!

They finally reached the grandstand and found their seats ... hey, they were pretty good seats, about 15 rows up and 50 feet in front of the starting line. There was already some activity on the track as a local car club was showing off some classic muscle cars. It was the usual assortment of American Muscle with Mustangs, Chevelles, a few Mopar 'Cudas and Roadrunners. A particular highlight for Mel was a "Superbird" that someone had restored. He had Don snap a photo of it for him.

Shortly after that the action was really about to begin. The guys could see the track workers lining up some pro-stock cars for some qualifying runs as Mark came back from the concession stand with some nachos and beers.

They were in for the shock of a lifetime ...

Chapter two to follow ...


From: jmaijala1@juno.com
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 22:14:55 -0500
Subject: Re: Drag Race ... Chapter 2

Mel took his share of the nachos and beer from Mark's overflowing hands. "Hmmm, a Pabst beer! Where's the Corona I ordered Mark?"

"I won't drink anything but an American beer and I won't buy one either," pontificated Mark.

"Really?, I wonder where these nachos came from," thought Don aloud. Mark stared questioningly at the nachos as if they had betrayed him. His daydreaming was cut short by the ungodly roar of a pair of pro-stockers doing burn-outs at the starting line.

"Yo, BAAABY," cried Mel as he pulled his earplugs from his shirt pocket and inserted them into his ears. Mark had already put his in. They were the same ones he used on stage during the Funk shows. Don thought both of them were sissies, but he had both of his palms planted to the sides of his head and he was shouting as loud as he could and couldn't even hear himself over the roar of the unmuffled powerplants expelling their vast quanitity of unbridled horses.

The action was really heating up as one pair after another of the pro-stock cars began their qualifing runs. Don's camera was clicking away as he got some great action shots. As Don was snapping the photos, Mel was listening to the track announcer as he introduced the combatants.

He wrote down the names so they could later match them up with the pictures. They watched as a couple of cars rolled to the line and the announcer said ... "And now pulling up to the line in lane number one, The Monk Mobile driven by the Monk himself. Sponsership by Bill the Parrot and Grand Funk Railroad!" ... The boys were flabbergasted!

The car was all green, blue and yellow, just like a parrot. Sitting in the driver seat was a figure in a black helmet. On the side of the car was an airbrush painting of a man dressed in mystic robes and a bird on his shoulder. The bird was winking and giving everyone a pointing finger (or feather) like the "We're an American Band" symbol ... "His opponent in this qualifing race is the Interscope machine driven by Cory Cooper" ...

Don's camera was clicking nonstop as he shot an entire roll of film of the GFR car. Both cars entered the staging area and lined up for the race. The "Christmas Tree" staging lights blinked red, red, red ... then trailed down and went GREEN! The earsplitting scream from the high performance engines permeated the air as both machines leaped from the line and began their runs.

They shot past the boys as they shifted into second, then third gear and finally fourth as they rocketed down the quarter mile. The Interscope machine had gained the hole shot but was unable to mantain it's lead as it's motor exploded into flames about 150 feet from the finish line! The Monk Mobile slipped past and gained the victory and also secured the number 3 qualifing spot for the quarter finals in the pro-stock division.

Mark pulled his binoculars from under his seat and focused them on the Monk Mobile as the parachute popped out and the car stopped at the end of the run. He saw a reporter from ESPN greet the Monk as he climbed out from the car and was interviewed by the smiling sportscaster. The track piped the interview over the P.A. system and the Monk was heard saying "I want to thank Grand Funk for their continued support of racing and I particularly want to thank Bill, the parrot, for letting me drive the car." This brought some applause from the crowd as the Monk was starting to become a fan favorite.

Mel checked his program and saw that the quarter finals were at least an hour away as the qualifiers for Funny Car and Top Fuel were going to run first. Also, after dark, but before the finals of all the divisions there was going to be an appearance by "Robosaurus" ...

"Hey guys, I've heard about this Robosaurus thing. It's a giant car eating and fire breathing steel dinosaur!"

"Right Mel, what's next, Godzilla?", jabbed Mark. Don began moving his mouth around and then speaking like a bad ninja movie ... "HAHAHAHA, you want to fight someone? Fight me! You fight well, in the monkey style!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"Lame, Don, really lame." lamented Mel.

Chapter three to come! Stay tuned!


From: jmaijala1@juno.com
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 00:07:28 -0500
Subject: Re: Drag Race ... Chapter 3

Drag Race ... Chapter 3

The Monk mobile was eliminated in the semi-final round. But, that was alot better than the boys had thought the car would do. As an added plus, The Monk was now a fan favorite. The guys noticed a commotion at the base of the grandstand and now saw, coming into view, the Monk himself. He was wearing a "Rat Fink" T-shirt and, of course, Bill the parrot was sitting on his shoulder, grokking up a storm.

Fans crowded around him and he was obliging them with autographs and photo ops. He was really in his element. Slowly he made his was up the grandstand to where Mark, Don and Mel were sitting. The sun was beginning to set and soon "Robosaurus" would be making his appearance, whatever he was.

"Hi boys!, how did you like the car?", asked the Monk as another fan asked for his autograph.

"Oh great driver of wheels, divine speedster of the cosmos, Leadfoot of Leviathan ..." begged Mel.

"Give it a rest, pee brain," cautioned Mark.

"Hey Monk, have you ever seen Robosaurus?" inquired Don.

"As a matter of fact, I have," said Monk, "Last year I saw him at Indianapolis Raceway Park. It really is quite incredible."

Just then the track announcer began talking about robosaurus ... "Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention to the end of the race track ... I'm not sure what is out there but I think Robosaurus is very near."

At the same time, a couple of track workers began pushing a couple of old beat up cars onto the track. They immediately ran off to safety after pushing them to the center, between the grandstands.

In the distance a rumble could be heard ... then a small red light appeared at the end of the quarter mile track ... it was moving closer ... Night now gripped the race track as some of the flood lights were switched off ... the boys could hear a slow, low growl, like a meanacing beast.

Suddenly a spot light was shown upon a previously unseen contraption. Like some 5 story erector set, Robosaurus, stood up to his full height. It was incredible to behold, there, in front of them, was a 40 foot tall fire breathing, ear moving, roaring, chomping and crushing steel dinosaur! It reared back his head and let loose a terrible howl and shot flame from it's mouth as it's steel claws shook menacingly back and forth.

Mark laughed and took a step back and looked around. He was astounded by what he saw. Everyone had stopped what they were doing and were staring at Robosaurus like he was some kind of pagan God. Grown men stood with half eaten hot dogs hanging from their mouths as they looked upon their worst nightmare. Aside from the roaring dinosaur, the only sound to be heard was the soft purr of camcorders as they tried to capture the essence of Robosaurus. Children hid behind the legs of their mothers as they tried to hide from Robosaurus. It was absolutely incredible. His only thought was ... "Only in America."

Inside the giant car eating machine, unseen by the spectators was Ralph Johnson. Ralph controlled the giant steel reptile by the use of a computer control panel that had various joy sticks and buttons on it. He could control everything about Robosaurus from his position in the tail of the mechanical beast. He moved the joystick to the right and robosaurus turned right and moved toward one of the jalopies (sacrifices) that had been placed there for him to eat. Moving another joy stick controlled the hydrolyic arms and claws of the animal. He picked up the car and pulled it close to the dino's mouth. Pushing a button, flame spewed from it's mouth as it burned the car! Another button and Robosaurus let out a scream of triumph.

The crowd was going crazy as Robosaurus first burned, and then tore the burning hulk in two. This was the usual reaction. Something about giant metallic dino's, cars, flames and destruction ... ah yes, you just can't beat fun at the old drag strip.

Ralph turned the joy stick in the opposite direction to pick up the other car ... but Robosaurus didn't respond ... hmmm, a malfunction ... wait ... uh, oh ... Ralph picked up his walkie talkie and pushed the transmit button ... "Hey, Randy, I think we have a problem" ...

Chapter four to come later ...


From: jmaijala1@juno.com
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 19:21:20 -0500
Subject: Re: Drag Race ... Chapter4

... Chapter 4! ...

Ralph jammed the joystick back and forth but Robosaurus was not responding ... it was still heading for the grandstands! Ralph picked up his walkie-talkie again ... "Randy! Better get everyone outta here, she's not responding!"

Randy ran over to the announcer and grabed the microphone ... "ATTENTION EVERYONE ... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ROBOSAURUS IS NO LONGER RESPONDING TO COMPUTER COMMANDS!" He threw down the microphone and hightailed it out of there.

There was mass confusion in the crowd as some people began racing for the exits. Robosaurus, looked over the crowd of people and began moving toward the exit as well, roaring and spitting flames as he went. Ralph tried to pull the plug on Robosaurus and paid for the act with his life as the giant techno-dino turned and snatched him from his perch on the tail of the beast and roasted him alive with a burst of flame from his nostrol!!

Mark, Don and Mel didn't move at first, they were completely confused by the entire situation. At first they thought it was part of the act. That changed when they saw Ralph go up like a big marshmallow. Bill the Parrot let loose a mighty GROK and flew straight toward Robosaurus. He was able to momentarily distract the 50 foot tall mechanical dragon long enough for the boys to jump into the action ...

"Quick Mel, grab that old Pacer over there, we'll bait 'em," explained Mark as he started doing his best bull fighter impression.

Mel and Don ran over to the old AMC Pacer and pushed it toward Robosaurus. The steel dino didn't see it at first as it rolled over some hapless spectators (more grease for his treads)! Suddenly there was a flash of light and there, on top of the Pacer, stood the Monk. He was wearing his ceremonial red robes and held aloft a large wooden staff. Bill the Parrot flew back to the staff and landed on it's rather large bulbous knob.

The Monk began reciting a strange incantation ... "Standing in the hall of the great cathedral, waiting for the transport to come. Starship 21-789, a good friend of mine, studies the stars. Venus and Mars are allright tonight."

This really caught Robosaurus's attention. He was screaming now and his large hydrolic claws were reaching for the Pacer. The Monk levitated himself from the Pacer and landed thirty feet away. Bill the Parrot flew nearby grokking out instructions!

Just as Robosaurus was about the pick up the Pacer, The Monk, spoke the sacred words known only to the faithful, "Row, Row, Row your boat." He repeated them, ad-nauseum, until Robosaurus had finished baking the Pacer with his propane induced flames.

As Robosaurus was putting the Pacer down a strange thing happened. The Erector set like Dino began folding up into a small package, kinda like a transformer!!!

Mark, Don and Mel ran over ... "Monk! You did it! You saved everyone!"

"Think nothing of it, guys, any mystic relic of the past could have done it!"

Chapter five to come later! ...


From: jmaijala1@juno.com
Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 13:14:16 -0500
Subject: Re: Drag Race ... Chapter 5

The fifth and final chapter of ... Drag Race!

The boys were surprised to hear a comment like "mystic relic of the past" coming from the Monk. After all, why would a mystic relic of the past drive a Pro-Stock race car? But, they didn't question the Monk about it.

Two weeks later ...

Mark, Don and Mel are putting the finishing touches on a song in the recording studio. The song is about Robosaurus and is a real rocker.

"Hey has anyone seen Howard anywhere?" asked Mark.

Just then a terrific racket comes from the bathroom ... it seems that Howard is locked inside and can't get out!

"Howard!, What's going on? You idiot, come out of there right now," ordered Don.

"I can't", comes the muffled reply, "Mel locked me in here."

"Hey, he tried to steal my Spartacus tape! That cannot go unpunished."

The End.

I have another idea for a story ... stay tuned for the first chapter


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